I have started and stopped this post a jillion times over the last year. It's a hard one to write. It is so incredibly personal and real, yet hard to convey this message without sounding...wel...conceited.
I have prayed so much for this area of my life. For as long as I can remember.
Picture this:
Ursula, mid song,
"Come on you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead!
Make your choice!
I'm a very busy woman and I haven't got all day
It doesn't cost much
Just your...
VOICE
Your VOICE.
To most, your voice is your means of communication, car ride entertainment and soothing instrument for your children.
For me...it's been a huge part of my identity. Really. I have prayed to be successful in using it. I have prayed not to lose it. I have prayed for healing so as to not have surgery to risk ruining it. I have paid to insure it, in case it was taken from me and I could no longer use it to make a living. (Yes. You can do that. And, apparently, a talented insurance salesman could have also sold me a beach house in Antarctica)
When in was 4 years old, I stood on the stage in my home town's community center and belted "Tomorrow" from the musical Annie. We had an old cassette tape recording of it for years. (It has since worn out...being 34 years old, you know.) But at that moment...I began to be identified as, "the little girl who could sing"
I was blessed with some amazing music teachers in my younger years. I became an accomplished pianist, woodwind player. ..but my 2nd grade music teacher saw something special.
She put me in a top hat and cane and had me sing "Puttin'on the Ritz" for a school performance.( As an adult, all I can think about is Young Frankenstein when I mention that song...but I digress. :-)
Mrs. D. firmly believed that I should be on stage...
My high school choral teacher became another parent to me, guiding me towards greatness. He believed that I was destined to share my GIFT with the world.
And...I did.
With hundreds...thousands...dare I say millions?
Here is where I always stop when I write this. Because I have this inner struggle with sounding arrogant...conceited...full of myself.
Without saying these next few things, though, this post won't make sense- so here I go.
I am an amazing vocalist. I have worked and trained and traveled with the best in the field. I have studied at Julliard and the Eastman School of Music. I have performed on Broadway stages. I have made a name for myself, and earned a living because of...my voice.
The business of show (as I like to call it) isn't one that can run entirely parallel with living a Godly, family life. So in recent years as I have begun to raise my family with Jesus at my core, and the business of show is now known as my FORMER profession. However, my gift remains. BUT...though it still exists, giving my heart to the Lord has somewhat also resulted in "giving" my voice...to Ursula.
But, does it HAVE to be that way?
Though my children are my "new profession", and my "other kids", whom I adore directing in educational theatre, keep me current in the field. I MISS using my voice.
But, MAN! It is hard to do this on God's terms.
I recently turned down a job that was almost ideal. But taking me on the road and away from my babies isn't God's plan for me. I know that...but do I still wish I could stand up on a stage and lead worship to thousands? YES!
What IS His plan? How am I supposed to use this gift?
I had a prophetic word spoken over me last week. Two, actually. Two different prophets had a GOOD word to say over me.
The first word outlined my heart for worship and my desire and talent to bring people in to the Lord. She saw me with a guitar and as "One Before Many".
[Wow! Right?]
The second word, separate from~ and without knowing me, OR the previous word spoken ~ advised me to do this:
"Make a Mark". I "have been groomed" to do the work of the Lord.
I have been in crazy prayer. I have been asking the Lord to show me what He wants me to do. I know that my earthly desires are asking me to sing. I also, know that this gift (not necessarily a spiritual gift) but a personal gift, needs to be used for His glory. I know that the act of singing in public brings me enjoyment. I know that the Lord wants us to enjoy our earthly lives and that He gives us the tools we need to enjoy them. The million dollar question, though, is HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS?
I have cried over this. Seriously. Big, bad, UGLY cries. So much of WHO I am is what I can SHARE with my VOICE. Some people are able to share the gospel simply by having a conversation, or turning to the scripture. Me, I sing a song. I would be the craziest most passionate evangelist in the world...if I could sing the word of God!!!
An answer hasn't been given to me. I will continue to pray. Would YOU consider praying for me? For clarity. For a path? For an answer? For an outlet?
I feel SO full of love and the Holy Spirit. I want to share this grace and love and knowledge of salvation.
{beBlessed} and Have a GREAT day!
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