Conforming to fact and therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief...

I am a terrible blogger. Seriously, I am.

There are some days that are SO hard for me to even function as a human being, that my commitment to writing feels like an unreachable task.
Cushings Syndrome sucks. It does.  there is no easy way around it.  There is no real cure.  There are herbs and oils that are helping to lessen my symptoms, BUT no matter what I am doing to counteract the effects of the over production of cortisol, if I am adding STRESS, nothing is going to help.

This season = stress.

Stress from being the only adult that is parenting my children during this season.
Stress due the only intelligent conversations that I am having on a daily basis, occur with a 6 a 5 and a 1 year old.
Stress because when the man I love works more than 80 hours per week, the last thing he wants to do is deal with a crying, tired child, or a crying tired wife.
Stress because I feel like a failure as a follower of Christ. I know that I should just trust the Lord to take control and take care of us.  But, the exhaustion of this disease is REAL.  The emotions are REAL.  The work is REAL.
To many, I look normal.  I can muster up enough "pretty and poise" to go out in "public" and seem put together. I'm not
. 

This. Season. Sucks.

We all have them.

I know that we all have  crummy seasons in life. I know that every single person in this world does NOT live an instagram perfect life. Sometimes, I wish that more people would commit themselves to living an honest, authentic life. To portray their TRUTH via social media, instead of a fantasy.


 Dont get me wrong, everyone deserves to have a fantasy. Shoot, in my fantasy, I would look the way I looked 10 years ago, my children would be perfectly behaved and my husband would leave his job and wisk us all off to a week in Disney World! But, as awesome as that sounds. (man a week at Disney is SO needed right now) It is NOT my TRUTH.

My truth is this:
My name is Danielle
I love Jesus.
I live in a small, small, small town on a gorgeous apple farm.
I am married to the most wonderful man and he is my best friend. He works day and night to provide for our family.
I have 3 precious gifts from the Lord.  They are smart, and funny and loving...and crazy, and exhausting and hard.

I am committed to giving my children a life full of love, and faith and exploration and truth.
I don't have the outward appearance that I would like to have, but I am content with who I am.
I am always tired.  I am always dreaming. I am always wishing that I could be whisked away to someplace fantasmical.
But, when the day is done, I am Danielle, I love Jesus and I love my family.

We were meant to live this life in community with others. HOW can we find a community of others LIKE us, if we are not being authentic with our portrayal of ourselves?

I challenge you to be real.  Be You. Be tired.  Be natural. Be messy-haired. Be yoga pants and tank top. Be YOUR TRUTH.

This is me, right now, 4:30PM on Tuesday.  Yoga pants, tank top, no make-up, bags under my eyes. But what you can't see in the photo, is that I have an adorable baby at my feet, an inquisitive 5 years old chatting with me while I type and a smart 6 year old laying on the couch reading. Truth, may not be pretty, but it sure is BEAUTIFUL to me.

Use Social Media to help create authentic community. Don't contribute to the illusion of "perfect".

This season, is a season of TRUTH.



{beBlessed} and have a GREAT day.

How I wonder what you are...Up above the World so high, MY diamond in the sky.

The following post was written on November 30, 2011 on my old blog. I can say with 100% certainty, that this was the DARKEST season of my life.  I am not sharing it again to beg for sympathy, I am sharing it again, for my newer readers to show you that, YES. Time does help to heal.  That , YES. The rate of pregnancy/infant loss in America is 1 in 4-  I know that there are more of you, like me, out there who need a friendly ear. That. YES.  GOD is GOOD, ALL THE TIME.  No matter the circumstance.

This post was written on the eve of my due date. I remember the day I wrote it.  I remember where I was, what I was wearing, actually.  I remember being SO ANGRY at God. I hate that.  Even now, as my Faith has been restored and I have been washed free of the sins that I have committed, I hate myself for EVER doubting Him.

If you take anything away from this "re-post" today, let it be feelings of LOVE.  COMPASSION. GENUINE CARE for the human race. This life, here on earth- it is not ours.  It is all HIS.

With prayer, with hope and with Blessings to all,
Dani






***please, also, excuse the harsh, profane language.  I am leaving it here, to show and convey my deep, deep hurt and feeling of desperation.***

November 30, 2011

To Lose: to have something taken away.
Pretty straight forward definition.

To lose a football game...victory is "taken away" from one team.
To lose your favorite pen...the joy of writing is "taken away"
To lose weight....pounds and inches are "taken away" from your body.

Again, pretty straight forward.

The social element of loss is what muddies the water, so to speak.  There is never a "straight forward" conversation when speaking of "loss".

When your favorite team loses a big game...you may yell, sulk and even be miserable for a few hours.  Your buddies will raz you about your team stinking...but in the end, no real harm is done.

When you lose weight, however, the world actually sees a different person and their perception of that person is different.  Communication with that person is different. Most often than not, no harm is done and the individual doing the "losing" feels great and supported.

When a person gains weight, communication about that particular fact doesn't happen. No one wants to be told that they are "fat"...but a dialogue about what else might be going on with them, may actually help. Not everyone is FAT because they eat McDonald's every day.  Not everyone gains weight because they stopped exercising.  There are a myriad of other "things" that can alter a person's life and THOSE are things that our culture does not know how to show compassion and understanding for, when dealing with an obviously hurting and struggling fellow human being.

I haven't publicly spoken about my journey, yet.  But as I enter the 1st week of December and am facing each morning, I feel that maybe if I am ready to talk about some things, it will help to heal me.  You see, I was planning on spending this Holiday season with THREE children. As a matter of fact, tomorrow was to be my due date.

One night late in June, I wasn't feeling quite well. And, without going into much detail, the child that we had been praying for, planning for,  trying for...excited to have join our lives and complete our family...went to be with Jesus, instead of with us.  Our baby, was taken away.

We had just had our thumbs up appointment, we were 16 weeks along and had just begun to tell everyone that we were expecting again. And when I say that my world crumbled...it did...in an enormous way.

SO....loss.  How does one communicate with another human being about the loss of a baby?  I can tell you how:
" Oh, honey be thankful for the two you already have."  response in my head: Well FUCKING duh, asshole. Do you honestly think that a day goes by when I don't wake up to their smiling faces and thank our Lord that I have been blessed with them?

"Maybe you weren't meant to have another baby" response in my head: You honestly think so?  Do you think the months of fertility treatments, doctors appointments and sleepless nights were in vain? A 15 year old child can get pregnant and rave about her new "family" and I, at 33 years old, can't have a child that I truly WANT? Go to hell.

"There was obviously something wrong with the baby anyway...you are better off" response in my head: I hope that you burn in hell.

~I then stopped seeking comfort, trying to rationalize and trying to heal entirely by myself.~

So here we have an honest communication about LOSS and GAIN.  I LOST a child, a dream and a piece of my soul all in one night.  I GAINED 50 lbs. over the last 6 months because no one wanted to talk about MY pain...MY feeling of failure to my child and my husband, and no one wanted to just hug me and tell me that they were SORRY.

Possible lesson to learn: Next time you want to gossip about someone you saw in a store who had gained a bunch of weight...think twice.  Next time you want to stare at someone because they look different...think twice. Next time you want to give an old friend a hug, because it looks as if she might need one...please do.  You would be amazed by what you would GAIN in return.

A season of busy is WAY better than a season of PANIC.

Goodness, I am starting to think that there should be a 5th season and just call it BUSY!


First of all, whoever came up with the cockamamie idea that "Homeschooled children are anti-social and have no friends" is a doofus. Can I get an Amen, homeschooling, Mamas? I don't stop running!  Between playdates, field trips, our community homeschool group, sports and play practice...my kids are WELL socialized, and so am I.  Praise GOD!;-) As busy as we are though, I am thankful...because I few short years ago...I didn't even leave my house.

One of the hardest things for me to adjust to, when I left the "real world" and became at SAHM (or WORK at home Mom, as I like to note) The thing I missed the most was my friends.At the time, the only interaction I had during the day was an 18 month old baby and I was 7 months pregnant...during Apple Harvest! I missed having SOMEONE to talk to. I would put the Dude down for a nap, watch marathons of Jon and Kate +8  and talk to the television! (don't judge)
 I was alone.  Isolated, not only by geographic location, but because of my belief in raising my OWN children versus remaining in the work force to raise OTHER people's children.

 After having a preemie, I became neurotic. I have NO shame admitting that.  My doctor seriously called me that.  It wasn't post partum depression, like everyone and their brother wanted to label me as,  It was pure and simple, PANIC.

When you spend days and days sitting at the bedside of this little life that you have been growing inside you, as he has a tube down his throat, eating through another tube in his stomach with a giant needle providing medicine in his head, your brain goes places. Its really hard to explain. You think about scenarios that NO ONE should have to think about, and few actually have to live. I would pray for solace. I would pray for peace in my heart.  I would pray for healing. And, then I would find myself bargaining with God.  Like...if you let him get better, and grow stronger, I PROMISE to...

The first time I got to hold Philip.  2 days old.

After we were home and beginning to have some semblance of normalcy, my brain would STILL go to that ugly place. I didn't do ANYTHING outside of the house without my husband or mother. I didn't trust myself. Seriously.
I did't sleep.
I was constantly up, staring at my baby.  Making sure that he was breathing.
Making sure that we had clear route out of the house in case of a fire.
Making sure that there was an alternate route in case the 1st route was obstructed.
 Making sure that my phone was charged in case I had to leave quickly.
Where was a weapon? Was it l ready in case someone broke in to our home and tried to steal my children?
Where are my car keys, ok, I have the spare set here next to the bed in case I need to leave during the night. Shoot, I wasn't going to be the one to drive anywhere...I was scared of that too!

 I had pants, shoes and my purse at my bedside in case....in case...

In case of WHAT?



Why?

I can 100% tell you why.

I was WAY to worried about the "things" that could hurt us, instead of putting my FAITH in the ONE that would protect us.

I was a Christian then...but I wasn't Christian.
Did you catch that?

I was A Christian, but I wasn't Christian.

Sure, I went to church, I prayed, I did a devotional...but I wasn't committing my BEING to Christ. I wasn't giving my thoughts to Him.   I hadn't totally dedicated my LIFE to Him.

Does that make sense?

God has a way of guiding you, through His word and prayer -that only happens when you LET GO and LET GOD.  I know that you have heard that saying before, right?  And it is TRUTH!



We don't have control.  We can't predict the future...and HE doesn't want us to.  What He wants us to do is to TRUST Him. THIS, my dear friends, has been the hardest task I have ever had to do. I had a professor, during my pastoral studies, that gave us all this assignment. He said to us, "Unless YOU have completely given yourself to Christ, you could never guide anyone else to follow His path" It was time to give up the WORLD and give in to the Creator of It All.

Know what?  It has been the BEST task that I have ever completed. Today, almost 5 years since the early birth of my middle man, Philip, I can say with 100% conviction, I am still HERE because I trusted God.

Are YOU ready to put your trust in Him?  I promise you, you won't regret it.

Great is His faithfulness. His mercies are new, EVERY morning.
lamentations 3:23




{beBlessed} and have a GREAT day!

Seasons of...

525,600 minutes...
are you singing?



One of the best songs ever written. Perspective. All wrapped up in a catchy,TONY award winning tune.

525, 600 minutes. 8760 hours. 365 days. 12 months. 4 Seasons. ONE year.

For Everything There is a Season
a time for every activity under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to harvest

A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down, and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh
A time to grieve and a time to dance
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones

A time to embrace and a time to turn away
A time to search and a time to quit searching


A time to keep and a time to throw away

A time to tear and a time to mend
A time to be quiet and a time to speak

A time to love and a time to hate 
A time for war and a time for peace.

...singing yet?

to most, the above cluster of verses is merely a well known song by the Byrds. To me, it is Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This being said...King Solomon (who is said to have penned, Ecclesiastes,) had a Number 1 hit single on the Billboard top 100!..but I digress.

Seasons are a part of life. Physically, there are 4 of them. Winter, Spring, Summer or Faaa-llll... all you've got to do is call....

yet? :-)

This month, though Fall is my FAVORITE season, I'm not going to be writing about the weather.  I am going to be writing about LIFE.

What many don't realize, is that King Solomon goes on to elaborate a bit in verse 11 of Ecclesiastes 3.

"Yet, God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people can not see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL FOR ITS OWN TIME

That one line speaks VOLUMES.  It says that yes, things will be great...in their own time. But, it also says that things will be ugly too. Where we, as humans, find great fault is when we EXPECT to have our lives be lollipops and roses all the time. -When in all actuality WE don't deserve the good stuff we get anyway, (more on this statement at a later date)

When "things" don't go our way, we are SO quick to get angry with God, instead of thanking Him for the good stuff...when the good stuff happens.

Life, can be viewed, somewhat, like a year.  We have beautiful, sunshiney, warm moments. We have cozy, loving, thankful moments. We have dark, cold, desperate moments but, by the blood of Christ, we ALWAYS have the new, rebirth, growing season that leads to the sunshine.

This month, I want to have an open conversation about the different seasons of LIFE.

525,000 MOMENTS so dear.



Join me?

I challenge you to spend some time with your journal and your pen this month. The first task is this:

Make a list of all of the different "seasons" of your life, this far.
(ex. awkward elementary me, lost junior high student, college co-ed, 20's, 30's, newlywed, new parent, etc.)

Leave a space between each 'Season'

In that space, I would love for you to list 5 events that you remember the MOST details about  during that particular Season.

send me an email... leave me a comment...facebook me or intagram me some of your 'Seasons' I would love to hear about some of them.

We are going to move further with this task...so keep it handy.



{beBlessed} and have a GREAT day!

Wild Geese that Fly with the Moon on their Wings...

Happy October 1st!

Without further ado...here are my OCTOBER favorite things! 

Orange  goodness I love this color
Pumpkin Spice is there ANYTHING that tastes better than pumpkin spice?
Candy Corn why not ingest artificially colored blobs of pure sugar?
My Philip's birthday! What a celebration it is each year.  I ADORE all of my children, but this birth story has a bit of a twist. Look for a future post. ;-)

Apples in abundance
calm  it is SO nice when all of the tourists go away.
crisp night air
mudlove These bracelets are so awesome.  I have been wearing my "act justly" bracelet for a bout a year now, It looks as good as it did the day I got it AND they have a bunch of new workds, verses and customization options.  Check them out! www.mudlove.com

Very Best Supply Company hi-lighting pencils- I use them for everything, but they are SUPER great for Bible hi-lighting.

tall boots...need I say more?
Giant Gorgeous Mums
Costumes...the countdown has begun.


Thieves oil blend fight the flu the NATURAL WAY! (YoungLiving #1401485)
dark nail polish...YEAH DADDY!

Community:  I can not express the importance of this word.  Of this concept. we were created to live and thrive together.  There is no greater joy than participating and building a community of and for Christ.

Converse: always have been and always will be a Chuck Taylor fashionista

Thrive Moms-  Warrior retreat 11/8/14-  it's free.  Register now.  www.thrivemoms.com
Check out the marketplace on the website as well!

The Story of Marriage by John and Lisa Bevere I had the PLEASURE of meeting Lisa at a Women of Faith event last month.  She is one fierce Mama and her testimony is just as intense.  This book, written by her AND her husband takes a new and improved approach to creating, maintaining and sustaining a Good, Biblical and Happy marriage. get it. read it. love it.
LOGOS Bible software i am obsessed. seriously- OB-SESSED. {donations accepted so that I can purchase my OWN access to this amazing program  :-)  }

Guilty Television  Do I need to elaborate?  With October comes the season premiers of just about...EVERYTHING. I don't watch much television, but when I do...it's good stuff. Am I willing to admit WHAT I watch?  nope! :-)

Farm Bureau I can not advocate enough for this amazing organization.  Our county annual meeting is at the end of this month. If  you are a member and live in Wayne County, PLEASE join us on October 25th.  If you are not a member...JOIN. (email me for details)

Cider

Papermate inkjoy pens  I LOVE fun colored pens.

Xyron Sticker maker ya'll this thing is riDICULOUS!

Erin Condren Planner NO ONE has come close to the amazement of the EC planner.  I am on my 4th one! I can't believe that I have FINALLY found an organization system that #1-works, and #2- I haven't gotten bored of!


fall decorations

$5 couches YES, you read that correctly. Long story short:  put a reserve on your stuff if  you don't want the auctioneer to sell it for 5 bucks! (Cute baby is worth WAY more!)

Coconut Nectar This is a new sweetener option for me.  All natural- a bit sweeter than honey, thinner than honey - more like the texture of maple syrup.  I have used it on pancakes, on oatmeal, in tea and whenmaking granola bars.
Tazo decaf chai latte in a box
"meet me at Starbucks" movie  go to youtube, search "meet me at Starbucks", watch it, love it.
apple pie  need I say more?
Starbucks soy Chai tea latte with 2 pumps of pumpkin spice 2 pumps of vanilla order it just like this.  you WILL thank me.


{beBlessed} and have a GREAT month!