The following post was written on November 30, 2011 on my old blog. I can say with 100% certainty, that this was the DARKEST season of my life. I am not sharing it again to beg for sympathy, I am sharing it again, for my newer readers to show you that, YES. Time does help to heal. That , YES. The rate of pregnancy/infant loss in America is 1 in 4- I know that there are more of you, like me, out there who need a friendly ear. That. YES. GOD is GOOD, ALL THE TIME. No matter the circumstance.
This post was written on the eve of my due date. I remember the day I wrote it. I remember where I was, what I was wearing, actually. I remember being SO ANGRY at God. I hate that. Even now, as my Faith has been restored and I have been washed free of the sins that I have committed, I hate myself for EVER doubting Him.
If you take anything away from this "re-post" today, let it be feelings of LOVE. COMPASSION. GENUINE CARE for the human race. This life, here on earth- it is not ours. It is all HIS.
With prayer, with hope and with Blessings to all,
Dani
***please, also, excuse the harsh, profane language. I am leaving it here, to show and convey my deep, deep hurt and feeling of desperation.***
November 30, 2011
To Lose: to have something taken away.
Pretty straight forward definition.
To lose a football game...victory is "taken away" from one team.
To lose your favorite pen...the joy of writing is "taken away"
To lose weight....pounds and inches are "taken away" from your body.
Again, pretty straight forward.
The social element of loss is what muddies the water, so to speak. There is never a "straight forward" conversation when speaking of "loss".
When your favorite team loses a big game...you may yell, sulk and even be miserable for a few hours. Your buddies will raz you about your team stinking...but in the end, no real harm is done.
When you lose weight, however, the world actually sees a different person and their perception of that person is different. Communication with that person is different. Most often than not, no harm is done and the individual doing the "losing" feels great and supported.
When a person gains weight, communication about that particular fact doesn't happen. No one wants to be told that they are "fat"...but a dialogue about what else might be going on with them, may actually help. Not everyone is FAT because they eat McDonald's every day. Not everyone gains weight because they stopped exercising. There are a myriad of other "things" that can alter a person's life and THOSE are things that our culture does not know how to show compassion and understanding for, when dealing with an obviously hurting and struggling fellow human being.
I haven't publicly spoken about my journey, yet. But as I enter the 1st week of December and am facing each morning, I feel that maybe if I am ready to talk about some things, it will help to heal me. You see, I was planning on spending this Holiday season with THREE children. As a matter of fact, tomorrow was to be my due date.
One night late in June, I wasn't feeling quite well. And, without going into much detail, the child that we had been praying for, planning for, trying for...excited to have join our lives and complete our family...went to be with Jesus, instead of with us. Our baby, was taken away.
We had just had our thumbs up appointment, we were 16 weeks along and had just begun to tell everyone that we were expecting again. And when I say that my world crumbled...it did...in an enormous way.
SO....loss. How does one communicate with another human being about the loss of a baby? I can tell you how:
" Oh, honey be thankful for the two you already have." response in my head: Well FUCKING duh, asshole. Do you honestly think that a day goes by when I don't wake up to their smiling faces and thank our Lord that I have been blessed with them?
"Maybe you weren't meant to have another baby" response in my head: You honestly think so? Do you think the months of fertility treatments, doctors appointments and sleepless nights were in vain? A 15 year old child can get pregnant and rave about her new "family" and I, at 33 years old, can't have a child that I truly WANT? Go to hell.
"There was obviously something wrong with the baby anyway...you are better off" response in my head: I hope that you burn in hell.
~I then stopped seeking comfort, trying to rationalize and trying to heal entirely by myself.~
So here we have an honest communication about LOSS and GAIN. I LOST a child, a dream and a piece of my soul all in one night. I GAINED 50 lbs. over the last 6 months because no one wanted to talk about MY pain...MY feeling of failure to my child and my husband, and no one wanted to just hug me and tell me that they were SORRY.
Possible lesson to learn: Next time you want to gossip about someone you saw in a store who had gained a bunch of weight...think twice. Next time you want to stare at someone because they look different...think twice. Next time you want to give an old friend a hug, because it looks as if she might need one...please do. You would be amazed by what you would GAIN in return.
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