A Clanging Cymbal...

Me. That's me. A Clanging Cymbal.
I had lost my way. Terribly.

I have spent the last 6 days sick.
When I say sick...I mean...I did not leave my bed (read; toilet) for SIX DAYS.
I had salmonella poisoning or infection or whatever it is even considered. I have given birth 3 times. Had major abdominal surgery. Kidney stones...but THIS. WHOA.

Anyway..let me get back to my theme, here. In an effort save money to enable our family to travel more freely, the Farmer and I have only one television that is "working" and by that I mean, only one Fire stick in the house. So, for the past week I did not have a television to watch (listen to) while writhing in stomach pain. What I did have-was my mind...my bible...and the Holy Spirit.

You see, when there aren't any other distractions...I can focus. Focus on my sins. Focus on my needs. Focus on asking for forgiveness.

I needed to.

I have studied the Bible. I have studied theology. I have studied the art of worship...biblical history...counseling..etc
But even the STRONGEST "book-faith" can't keep a heart from hardening. I had hardened. Rock solid.

I have never been good with change. Especially change that I did not initiate. I have been dealing with a LOT of change. Most of it good...but overwhelming.

This change has pulled me away from my "norm". ..away from MY control...away way from MY way.
But, as any good Jesus scholar should know...it's not about MY way...it's about  HIS way.

I don't know how this whirlwind of change hardened me as deeply as it did. I don't know how I turned into this judgemental, holier than Thou person.

I am a sinner. I'm no different than anyone else. I need grace just as much as the next guy.
Judah Smith talks about sin like a McDonald's menu. I love the analogy. You can supersize it or value size it...in OUR heads.
But, God.
God doesn't have a sin rubric. He doesn't grade us on the severity of our sin. Sin is Sin.
And I am a sinner.

But.

He loves me.

He loves me So flipping much.

He loves ALL of us so flipping much.

The sinners. The bad people. The naughty people. Those of us who don't believe He even exists...HE. LOVES. US.

So...who the heck am I to judge you?

I'm sorry. I forgot Who lives in my heart. I knew where He lived on the pages of my bible. I knew where He lived in my memory and through music. But, I forgot that He lives in MY HEART.

Jesus forgives.
Jesus heals.
Jesus blesses.
Jesus loves.

I'm thankful for the chicken disease. Call me crazy- but,because of it, I unlocked the door to my heart again. And the Guy inside...He welcomed me back with OPEN arms. He always does.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging symbol."
1 Corinthians 13:1