The post that follows was originally written in November of 2011. Roughly a year before Levi was born. Before I had even become pregnant with him. This week in May has been rough on me for the last couple of years...as it should, right?
I read these words...that I WROTE with a bit of disbelief. I am such a different person now. My walk with the Lord has become such a faithful one, and the language I use in this post is not language that I would use today. I am not going to edit it though. THIS is who I was then. It is a part of who I am today.
I still think about my Angel Baby. I wonder what she would look like, if she would be a crazy toddler ( she would have been 2 and a half now)...but then I think...would I have had Levi if I hadn't lost her? I can't imagine my life without my sweet, smart, loving bundle of pure JOY.
I PRAY for all women, every night. I pray that they never have to experience what I have. But, if she does, I pray that she has a support system, lots of love and most importantly FAITH.
♡
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Losing..and Gaining...is there more to them?
To Lose: to have something taken away.
Pretty straight forward definition.
To lose a football game...victory is "taken away" from one team.
To lose your favorite pen...the joy of writing is "taken away"
To lose weight....pounds and inches are "taken away" from your body.
Again, pretty straight forward.
The social element of loss is what muddies the water, so to speak. There is never a "straight forward" conversation when speaking of "loss".
When your favorite team loses a big game...you may yell, sulk and even be miserable for a few hours. Your buddies will raz you about your team stinking...but in the end, no real harm is done.
When you lose weight, however, the world actually sees a different person and their perception of that person is different. Communication with that person is different. Most often than not, no harm is done and the individual doing the "losing" feels great and supported.
When a person gains weight, communication about that particular fact doesn't happen. No one wants to be told that they are "fat"...but a dialogue about what else might be going on with them, may actually help. Not everyone is FAT because they eat McDonald's every day. Not everyone gains weight because they stopped excercising. There are a miriad of other "things" that can alter a person's life and THOSE are things that our culture does not know how to show compassion and understanding for, when dealing with an obviously hurting and struggling fellow human being.
I haven't publicly spoken about my journey, yet. But as I enter the 1st week of December and am facing each morning, I feel that maybe if I am ready to talk about some things, it will help to heal me. You see, I was planning on spending this Holiday season with THREE children. As a matter of fact, a week from today was to be my due date.
One night late in May, I wasn't feeling quite well. And, without going into much detail, the child that we had been praying for, planning for, trying for...excited to have join our lives and complete our family...went to be with Jesus, instead of with us. Our baby, was taken away.
We had just had our thumbs up appointment, we were 13 weeks along and had just begun to tell everyone that we were expecting again. And when I say that my world crumbled...it did...in an enormous way.
SO....loss. How does one communicate with another human being about the loss of a baby? I can tell you how:
" Oh, honey be thankful for the two you already have." response in my head: Well FUCKING duh, asshole. Do you honestly think that a day goes by when I don't wake up to their smiling faces and thank our Lord that I have been blessed with them?
***result...keeping comment internal....10 lbs. gained to my ass
"Maybe you weren't meant to have another baby" response in my head: You honestly think so? Do you think the months of fertility treatments, doctors appointments and sleepless nights were in vain? A 15 year old child can get pregnant and rave about her new "family" and I, at 33 years old, can't have a child that I truly WANT? Go to hell.
***result...keeping comment internal....10 lbs. gained to my thighs
"There was obviously something wrong with the baby anyway...you are better off" response in my head: I hope that you burn in hell.
***result...keeping comment internal...20 lbs. gained to my belly
~I then stopped seeking comfort, trying to rationalize and trying to heal entirely by myself.~
So here we have an honest communication about LOSS and GAIN. I LOST a child, a dream and a piece of my soul all in one night. I GAINED 50 lbs. over the last 6 months because no one wanted to talk about MY pain...MY feeling of failure to my child and my husband, and no one wanted to just hug me and tell me that they were SORRY.
Possible lesson to learn: Next time you want to gossip about someone you saw in a store who had gained a bunch of weight...think twice. Next time you want to stare at someone because they look different...think twice. Next time you want to give an old friend a hug, because it looks as if she might need one...please do. You would be amazed by what you would GAIN in return.
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