Knowing when to say NO.

I have always been a “pleaser”.  There is probably some kind of astrological malarkey that dictates why that is. But, for all intensive purposes, that’s just who I am. Always have been.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted people to like me.  I wanted to be viewed as pretty.[let’s face it, I was NOT a cute elementary aged kid] I got ridiculous perms, begged for the significantly more expensive two toned acid washed jeans vs. the normal Levi’s and wore upwards of 4 pairs of socks daily to make sure that I looked as on trend, Kids Incorporated-esque as possible.  I was a foot taller than all the other girls, my braces were put on in 3^rd grade and I was fat. I know that in my efforts to “please” my peers and appear like them, I was only fueling the mockery that would ensue daily.

As I got older, I would make fun of others, so that I would seem “cool” to the “it crowd”. I would go home each day and feel TERRIBLE. Why would I want to make someone else feel the way that I was made to feel, too? It was a vicious cycle.

If I was asked to go to a friend’s house, I would ALWAYS say yes. If I was asked to sing at a wedding, or sporting event or party, I would ALWAYS say yes. If I was asked to work an extra shift in the kitchen, or to stay after school to alphabetize music, or tutor so-and-so in math, I ALWAYS said YES. I think my brain took the advice quote: “you shouldn’t ever burn bridges” to mean “you –must- do- everything- anyone- asks- you- to- do- or- you- will- make- them- hate- you- forever.”

Again, my willingness to PLEASE everyone, turned me in to the “yes, girl”

I am just now learning how to say NO. I am not very good at it, yet. In fact- I suck at it. I actually only ever say NO to my family. You see, THEY can’t drop me.  THEY can’t find another one of me. I belong to them, so they HAVE to like me, right? Not exactly.  It took a pretty extreme kick in the ass from my husband to bring this fact to light.

My turning point occurred, when he asked me if I would go with him to a conference.  I replied with, “let me get my calendar and see if I can hack it.”

He didn’t even let me get that far.

“What do you mean; you need to check your calendar?  If I am going, there is nothing important happening on the farm.  You won’t miss church and the kids will be with my Mom. What else is more important than spending time with me to make our business more successful?”

It hit me. Like a mother-flipping freight train. I was saying NO to my family, so that I could say YES to everyone else.  Yes to the play dates, Yes to the voice lessons, Yes to the musicals upon musicals that needed tweaking, coaching and directing. Yes to the articles to write. Yes to the event to plan. 

Yes. Yes. Yes!

When- at this stage in my life- it was time to start saying NO.

I have 3 boys under the age of 5. They are growing faster than I can keep up with.  Toting them along to rehearsals, where I am teaching other people’s kids, is no way for MY OWN kids to spend their youngest, formative years. I shouldn’t be attending every single concert, musical, sporting event and ceremony for other kids, when my own kids need me to start bringing them to their activities. I couldn’t tell my own kid No, to tell someone else’s kid, Yes.  I couldn’t keep working weekend evenings [for my own personal gain], when that is the only time left in the week to spend with the man who busts his ass to provide for me and our children all week.  I simply needed to say NO.

Talk about backlash!

I had parents write me nasty emails, telling me to “buck it up and work with their child”.

 I had kids beg me to go to this and that because I just HAD to see them do whatever they were doing.

And, as much as I LOVE supporting these kids, and adults and organizations- I needed to draw the line.  In a situation such as mine, it had to be all or nothing. I couldn’t pick and choose WHO was worthy of my YES. I had to ensure that the ONLY people who were going to receive my YES’s were the 4 people that lived under the same roof as me, and my church.

This doesn’t mean that I won’t attend events. It doesn’t mean that I won’t teach and coach ever again. But the rule of thumb that I am going with, right now, is that if my ENTIRE family can’t attend- we probably won’t be there. If at least one of my kids can’t participate or play- then I probably won’t be directing or coaching. The time that I DO have away from my children, NEEDS to be spent doing something for myself or with my husband. WHY?- Because, I need to have time to myself. If I am able to “get away” for a bit, I am going to do something for ME, With my friends or getting a massage or grabbing a coffee and a book.  Or, I will be with my husband.  My marriage is sacred.  It is important to me. It deserves my time, more than anything else.

There are some mom’s who “balance it all”, like Dumbo atop the stack of elephants in the circus! I tried to be that mom, but I realized that I don’t want to be her. I want to be the mom who puts God before all else, her husband next and her kids close behind.

{beBlessed} and think about WHO is getting your YES.

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